Mariah Is Desperately Begging for (Rough) Sex

She totally wants us to do her... justice, I mean...

  I think Mimi sounds a bit desperate
Mariah Carey, ladies and gentlemen, has just dropped her new single called "Touch My Body" and what do you know? It's all about sex. OK, that didn't come out right - I mean, when you put it like that it doesn't sound like it's anything much, but in fact it is. I sit here listening to it and already, my mind is racing, trying to figure out whether there's a way to actually figure out when Mariah last had sex.

By the sound of this song, it seems that it was a very long time ago, because she spends the entire song telling someone ( a man, I presume) what, how and how many times she'd like to do it with and to him. It's funny, now that you think about it - the lyrics are so would-be racy and provocative, but the only effect they had on me was to make me laugh my head off. Which may mean one of the following two things: either Mariah's song is not that powerfully suggestive of its built-in sexual energy, or the song is... selectively powerful and affects some more than it annoys... I mean, affects others.

On the whole, it's a very generic mid-tempo song with nothing really special about it, but it's easy on the ear and has a smooth sound to it, so my guess is that it will catch on, once someone will do a decent remix. Other than that, I still find the lyrics absolutely hilarious. Here's a sample, just to show you that I'm not rolling on the floor laughing here for nothing. "Touch my body / Put me on the floor / Wrestle me around / Play with me some more / Touch my body / Throw me on the bed / I just wanna make you feel like you never did / Touch my body / Let me wrap my thighs / All around your waist / Just a little taste / Touch my body / Know you like my curves / C'mon and give me what I deserve / And touch my body". Now how does that sound? Smart, huh? No wonder Mimi called her album E=MC². Does she even know what that means? Who wants to bet she thinks "E" stands for "ego"?

And yes, Mariah seems to have caught the sex tape fever that's been taking Hollywood by storm for a couple of years now. Her song is all about how she'd like to tape herself having sex but is worried the tape will end up on YouTube. "Cause if you run your mouth and brag about this secret rendezvous / I will hunt you down" she threatens - which I'm sure would scare a guy s**tless... NOT. I mean come on, if someone was brave enough to have sex with Mimi, what's a little lawsuit and a couple of millions in punitive damages, right?

Here's Mariah's latest masterpiece.