The Linda Hogan Bikini Pictures You NEVER Wanted to See

Life's a beach for the Hogan matriarch

  No worries at all
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Serves me right for not keeping my big fat mouth shut tight. You see, this is what happens when you utter one of those taboo phrases, such as "I wonder what Paris Hilton has been up to lately" or "no, Britney will not have another meltdown". Well, I don't need to tell you, right? You already know where this is heading. That's right, the same day we get to see some truly gross photos of Paris tongue kissing Rick Salomon (couldn't think of anyone sleazier, sorry) and Britney lands her third rehab stint. Life is just cruel and ironic like that. So, when I mentioned the Hogans yesterday and wrote a post on Brooke Hogan and her strange beach antics, little did I know I was actually setting a jinx in motion. The direct result of that little slip is that today, we get to see Brooke's mother Linda at the beach in a bikini, accompanied by her good-for-nothing son Nick. Talk about jinxes!

Well, people, brace yourselves and have a look at Linda in all her beach splendor. I must make myself very clear from the very beginning, so that you don't think I'm an insensitive bigot. The main reason for which I find these photos upsetting is not, I repeat, not the fact that Linda's looking like she's about to spill from her bikini. I mean, she's fifty and has two grown kids - plus there's no digital editing or airbrushing to make her look "picture perfect". My biggest problem is that both Linda and Nick have this undefinable yet ever-present annoying quality to them, an air of silly arrogance which, coupled with their immaturity and overall "I don't give a crap about anyone else" attitude makes me wish someone showed them exactly where they stand in this world.

I'm not even going to bother asking what Nick is doing having fun on the beach when he should in fact be rotting in a prison cell, paying for fancying himself a drag racer at 17 and condemning a friend to a fate worse than death. I should probably mention that it looks like Linda's implants are about to burst, making her look twice as cheap and as ridiculous as her daughter, and just as pointlessly arrogant. These beach shots tell the story of a bunch of people who found themselves in the spotlight overnight and started acting as if the world was built to be their playground. They show a woman who is fake on the outside and on the inside, and a young man who knows nothing about responsibility, common sense and shame. I honestly swear I'll never mention the Hogans again in my life.

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